At first, I blamed myself for many things. I felt guilty and thought I could have done better. I was bitter and hated myself. I measured myself against everyone else from my past. One day, I realized that my past is gone. No matter how much I relive history, I can only change the future by my choices.
After fifteen years of acquiring my bachelor’s degree in computer engineering, I went back to school last year. It was for a graduate certificate in network security. I learn better from physical books, so I ordered all the available textbooks before the term began. The day the books arrived, I was excited and thought they had familiar stuff from my university days. My disappointment could not be contained when I opened them. I broke down and cried as I stared at the unfamiliar pages. I knew nothing in the books. I had spent the last fourteen years of my life being a mother, photographer, mechanic, plumber, carpenter, landscaper, gardener, driver, tailor, and chef. I felt crushed and was afraid. I knew I was entering new territory and began learning Linux online for the first time in my life.
At orientation, I saw many younger people with impressive portfolios, and I knew it was going to be a tough year. Without shame, I started asking for help from the first day of class. I am happy I did. I had nothing to lose because I could not go lower than the way I had felt for years. The terms were rough, especially with my young children and my first snowy cold winter. I had the best help — GOD.
I finished as the best in my class, which was a surprise. I worked hard, but I knew there were smarter people in my class. Most of them did not have children, but they had jobs and still performed well in class.
I dedicated myself to completing a few certifications after I was done in college. I had to study even though I wanted to spend time with my children, who have been overlooked since I began schooling. I almost felt guilty, but I assured them of my undying love and reminded them of the many years I spent being available for every event and doting on them, and I hope they understand. I know they will someday.
I applied for my master’s degree and got admitted to a good university. The job hunt is still on, and it has been challenging. But I love challenges, which made me learn new skills over the years, and the experience of this past decade has empowered me, even more, to take on mountains, one step at a time.
“It is never too late to be who you might have been” ~George Eliot